Well yesterday it seemed like a great idea to start this blog whereby I intend to diarise, journal and share my thoughts on my path to so called ‘waking up’. Today I’m not so sure. I mean, what have I got to say that is of any interest or significance to another on this subject? Hmmm… point taken. However, seeing I’m not expecting anyone to find this blog in a hurry or maybe even take the time to read it, let alone respond, I might as well flick those doubts and get on with it.
|image: drawing by Vernon Ah Kee,
a great contemporary Australian Indigenous artist.
Ok.. firstly I want to say I’m just an ordinary person with an ordinary life, who happens to have a ‘thing’ that never goes away. Some people may call it a passion or purpose; maybe even a destiny or fate… but for me, I don’t even know what it is anymore. It just seems to keep going, exploring, inquiring, wanting to know, trying to understand, and searching for something. It’s been there as long as I can remember, its pushed and pulled me through a miriad of spiritual experiences, some of which make great stories that I may share in later posts.
This ‘thing’ is internal. It’s not a thought, or even a feeling, and yet it will present itself as both. Whatever it seems, again and again I find myself drawn back to the path of ‘waking up’… and by that I mean I’m trying to understand myself and my life beyond what I’ve been told and accepted is real. And I think ‘trying’ is the operative word here. I’m probably ‘trying’ too hard, and all the books and teachings say there is no point in ‘trying’ to ‘wake up’ because the ‘I’ can’t make it happen. Why?… because the ‘I’ doesn’t actually exist. Get that! ‘You’ or ‘I’ don’t actually exist. Yeah its a bit of a brain fry when you first hear it. I know I just sniggered… until I went looking.
When I was first asked by an awake friend to see if I could find an ‘I’ or ‘Me’… everything internally went very quiet. I mean I could feel my physical body and my breathing. I heard my thoughts and saw images… but when I tried to see ‘Me’ internally there was no one there… everything became very black… very blank… spacious even. It’s a bit weird to try and describe, and unless you have had the same experience or similar, it probably sounds a bit crazy, but I couldn’t find an ‘I’ or a ‘Me’. I suppose this was a significant moment in my journey so far.
What do I mean by the words ‘waking up’? Well the dictionary says: the act of waking. Derrr…. well I’m blonde so I thought this definition might help 🙂 Non duality teachings say it is to awaken from the illusion or dream. My version to date is that I can see the thoughts and feel the emotions, but as I watch them, I also see them fade away. I suppose what I’m hoping for, presuming maybe, and endlessly seeking is a seeing that is not of the mind, not of the ‘I’. And that my friends has not occurred yet, although if I am to believe the books and teachings apparently I am that already… I’m just too caught in the ‘I’ to see it. Bummer! Mx