depressingly aware

Depression is not who I am, it’s merely another experience, and sometimes it ‘appears’ I can have an influence over how long it stays…

IMG_1627like death, there is nothing to grab onto – collage + digital – 2013 – melinda blair paterson

In the previous post I wrote of anxiety. Well it seems the dial of life decided to turn towards depression in this past week… probably just a notch or two to the right.

A friend of mine asked me this week, “how do you experience depression?”.

When I wake up in the morning it feels like bricks are sitting on my chest and then I carry them around with me all day. It’s exhausting. And like the black hole of the Milky Way it seems to suck in any negative disturbing thought in its path.

Most of the time I can sit and watch as the thoughts come and go, however, I have an agreement. When the suicidal thoughts come I reach out for help. I make contact with people I feel can support and check-in with me on a daily basis.

I fully embrace the so called journey of ‘waking up’, with all its experiencing, allowing and embracing of thoughts, emotions and sensations. And then there is the innate knowing of not getting lost in a concept. In other words, I tether my camel, to love and look after myself in whatever way feels right.

So I exercise, see health practitioners, eat well, and stay connected to loved ones. I tell people what is happening so that I’m not hiding, and I keep it real. Depression is not who I am, it’s merely another experience, and sometimes it appears I can have an influence over how long it stays. This time is seemed to vanish after a conversation with my partner and a resolution of a joint decision…

but the truth is I don’t know.

What is seen is… what’s here before depression, is still here during and after… unchanged. Mx

Advertisements

anxiety aware where?

The surfer knows, as the wave crests and collapses into itself,
he must surrender, 
to be delivered to the surface for the next breath of life.

Bondi Sunrise by Melinda Blair Paterson

Anxiety, when it comes, wraps itself around like an incolsolable child clinging to its parent… suffocating, demanding and exhausting.

Totally aware when it is happening and yet there seems no control or power as to when it arrives, how long it stays, and when its departure is due. I’ve learnt over the years to deny it, speak of it.. and not, nuture it, watch it, breath through it, sit with it, and these days… allow it.

And please don’t think the ‘allowing’ makes it any easier, because it doesn’t. It just seems to create space for gaps, a breath of Awareness, whilst anxiety is having its play with a ‘me’.

Sometimes the excruciating pain of the mental turmoil is all that is known in the moment, as one dark or irrational thought/image after another is ridden like a surfer on a wave that seems sure to deliver his end. The surfer knows as the wave crests and collapses into itself, he must surrender, to be delivered to the surface for the next breath of life.

And so the surrender, the allowing of its presence, and the uncomfortable experience is accepted and played out. The door is opened, the visitor is welcomed, and never asked to leave.

I can tell you one thing. When so called ‘anxiety’ is having its play and the so called ‘mental pain’ is at its worst and being fully experienced, there is no ‘me’. There is only the experience. There is only Awareness.

Mx

Our Self, the light of pure Knowing, is completely empty and, at the same time, the substance out of which the fullness of all experience is made. Rupert Spira