depressingly aware

Depression is not who I am, it’s merely another experience, and sometimes it ‘appears’ I can have an influence over how long it stays…

IMG_1627like death, there is nothing to grab onto – collage + digital – 2013 – melinda blair paterson

In the previous post I wrote of anxiety. Well it seems the dial of life decided to turn towards depression in this past week… probably just a notch or two to the right.

A friend of mine asked me this week, “how do you experience depression?”.

When I wake up in the morning it feels like bricks are sitting on my chest and then I carry them around with me all day. It’s exhausting. And like the black hole of the Milky Way it seems to suck in any negative disturbing thought in its path.

Most of the time I can sit and watch as the thoughts come and go, however, I have an agreement. When the suicidal thoughts come I reach out for help. I make contact with people I feel can support and check-in with me on a daily basis.

I fully embrace the so called journey of ‘waking up’, with all its experiencing, allowing and embracing of thoughts, emotions and sensations. And then there is the innate knowing of not getting lost in a concept. In other words, I tether my camel, to love and look after myself in whatever way feels right.

So I exercise, see health practitioners, eat well, and stay connected to loved ones. I tell people what is happening so that I’m not hiding, and I keep it real. Depression is not who I am, it’s merely another experience, and sometimes it appears I can have an influence over how long it stays. This time is seemed to vanish after a conversation with my partner and a resolution of a joint decision…

but the truth is I don’t know.

What is seen is… what’s here before depression, is still here during and after… unchanged. Mx

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6 thoughts on “depressingly aware

  1. Dear Melinda, I am glad that you are feeling better. I missed your bright presence online – your art works are always so inspirational. I am so glad that you are doing all the right things when you experience the heavy horse of depression – keeping in contact with people, talking about how you are feeling.
    you are probably quite a sensitive soul. as the new world is born from the ashes of the old, wild energies fluctuate. i myself over the past few days felt despondent, but it passed sometime friday evening. sensitive people are also sensitive to energies of others flying around, and Byron is such a magnetic place it just heightens the energies so.
    make sure that you place Golden Light and protective energies around you so you do not absorb the energies of others. that you say the depression is not you could indicate that you have felt the energies of others in the world around you ( might only be passing strangers) and have absorbed that energy. it might not, but its worth considering.
    please post more: you are here to bring the Magic of Byron to the rest of the world, and the rest of the world sure needs Byron magic.
    love,
    Debbie

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    1. Hi Debbie… thanks for your care and kindness. I can feel it in your words. Just quietly though, I’d like to clarify that I no longer feel the need to protect myself from energies. When there is no ‘me’ or ‘other’, who would I be protecting and from what? 🙂 Much love Mx

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      1. that’s good Melinda. I was wondering whether I should have made such a post in a public place anyhow, so feel free to delete this chain if you want. anyhow I’m glad you are feeling better. 🙂

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      2. that is wonderful then Melinda. living as being in Unity with all that is I believe still needs discretion – and compassion, as you know, is what underlies living in that ultra-true reality.
        Once again I feel that Byron is such a special place, your blog is entitled “Waking Up in Byron” – I would encourage you to write more about what it means to ‘wake up in byron’ – how that amazing place challenges, gives, dreams…… it is a unique place on our world which leads the way for the creation of new ways of doing things, new ways of being. I can feel the energy of Byron in you and your site.
        Byron has always been a special place for me. I was in Byron over a decade ago visiting a friend when I made the decision to return to China for a year, which turned out the be ten. And then some more. At the time, it was a choice of a job in Federal, in the Byron hinterland, or China. I came to China and have never regretted it.
        Each year when we come home I always try to make it down to Byron to breathe in the Byron magic and get refreshed.
        Thank you for bringing the magic of Byron Bay to the internet,
        with love and gratitude
        Debbie

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