living with sadness

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Image courtesy of Maria Wilson

Without announcement or bothering to knock, she sneaks in, lying beneath cushions where I sit, or below the floor where I walk. Her breathing is just loud enough to let me know she’s here again. Sometimes she even bashes on my heart, grips my throat, or tears at my jaw inflicting enough suffering to have me imploring: I just want to know the truth.

Sure there is an initial impulse to run from her, however these days, this is usually followed by a turning, a looking, a nudging, back onto the viewing platform.

I watch myself hopelessly wonder one moment if she will ever leave, only to observe in the next that I am quietly singing while cutting up fruit.  Where is the sadness now? I ask myself.  What was so sad this morning? 

Memories from my childhood and youth abound… Flashes…. Thoughts…. Feelings… out of nowhere. It feels like a shock each time they appear.  Why now? Haven’t I dealt with these concerns years ago? However it becomes obvious they have no intention on stopping, so I encourage myself to relax and breathe.  I’m here, I’m listening, tell me what you need to say, I’m not going anywhere.

I’m finding seeing my psychologist again is self-loving and insightful, in particular, where the feelings are felt both within and surrounding the body. Her somatic work and presence feels deeply supportive. At the last session I became aware of feeling ‘I am nothing’, with a deep deep push for desperately trying to know the truth in a way that is perhaps obsessive. The ‘nothing’ did not feel joyful but rather exhausting. I’m not sure what it all means. I’m just going with what somatically arises in the sessions and am not wishing to spiritualise too much. As I said, the main question and longing is: I just want to know the truth.

And I feel I have no idea how to find the answer, and the heart aches again. What is this driving within? Is it the mind? I have been told that this cannot be worked out by the mind and I have even tried stepping away from ‘trying’ to work it out. And yet, like my art practice, it returns, again and again. The wanting to know.

Mx

Note: found this draft post written a few months ago and felt to share it anyway. 🙂

 

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5 thoughts on “living with sadness

  1. Dearest M I hope you realise how fortunate you are to have the company of this Goddess! She will haunt and hound you all your days – it’s her job to return you to the womb of Truth. She won’t let go of your tail until every idea you have about Truth and every fantasy you entertain about how it will feel to know It – (how it will change things; stop the ache) – has been abandoned. Then her job’s done: Truth simply IS, and you’re IT.
    Loving you, Lx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As always, thank you ML for your wisdom and loving presence. I felt a bit scared about sharing this piece, perhaps that is why is had sat in my drafts folder and been forgotten… until not.

      I love your words: “She won’t let go of your tail until every idea you have about Truth and every fantasy you entertain about how it will feel to know it – (how it will change things; stop the ache) – has been abandoned.”

      There is a contemplation here about this of late and a feeling of fear that I really have no idea what it means to wake up, or if waking up even exits? Cool!

      Biggest of hugs. Mx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello dear Melinda, lovely to read your blog again, but sad to know it has been difficult times for you.
    I imagine it would have taken some bravery to go public with this, I am so glad you did.
    The world wide web is an amazing place where we find kindred spirits who can support us in our truths and searches.
    some people’s searches are more difficult than others.
    I concur, if there is some kind of ‘repressed memory’ – which is how I interpret your desperate need to “know the truth” its not gonna come up by thinking about it. The opposite probably. The angst and desperatation of the ‘need to know’ may only drive it deeper into camoflage.
    sounds like you are doing lots of positive things to deal with this Goddess.

    I can only suggest this, each day – morning or evening – find something of beauty to look at or listen to, and as you do, say something like ‘i acknowledge the beauty of so much around me’ and then affirm ‘ i wish to be lovingly and gently guided into an awakening of the truth. I trust the Universe will support me in this awakening by bringing me experiences that will gently guide me, in parcels of reality that are digestible, to experience, through dreams or the waking world, situations which will point the way to the truth.”

    something like that anyhow. find your own words.

    here’s another idea: often people who experience these kinds of things are very sensitive souls. Byron is an incredibaly high energy place filled with lots of chaotic energy from people drawn there to heal.
    So:
    ask yourself:
    1.do these feelings belong to me, or am i internatlising the feelings and emotions of those around me?
    Universe, please gently guide me into experiences that will help me see the truth of that.

    2. Do these feelings arise or are they intensified in particular areas, particular places within and around Byron and elsewhere?
    Universe, please gently guide me into experiences that will help me see the truth of that.

    I might also gently suggest that sensitive souls who experience things as you do are also often born healers. May your journey lead you to not just the truth of the past but the truth of the future.

    Wishing you joy every day and holding in my prayers.

    Love,
    Debbie

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    1. Thanks Debbie for your concern. This blog post was written some time ago and was posted because I felt it was interesting to myself and hopefully others. I have no concern or fear of sadness, in fact I find it an amazing sensation in the body and passes through my awareness quite quickly theses days. I bring my full presence to it, lovingly welcoming any sensations without creating a story of what they may be about. I feel no need to heal anything or anyone, especially myself. My daily practice is to just be with whatever arises in the moment. And I’m grateful to say most moments are of a naturally arising joy. No need for concern my friend. All is well here. Much love Mx

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      1. Well I’m glad to hear that! It’s very easy to misread blogs. I take things to literally I guess.
        Naturally arising joy sounds wonderful.
        lots of love back at you!

        Like

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