what now?

effortless tension (wip) – melinda blair paterson – acrylic on canvas – 2016

The stats show it’s been eight months since I was last active on this blog. Where did that time go? What happened? The mind struggles to find a reference point. Past timeframes seem to quickly slip away these days, like an outgoing tide.

One thing I can remember is a few months ago I realised I was creating a lot of suffering for myself around the question – What the @#%& am I doing with my life? This question had been taunting me for too long, to the point where I realised it was not only boring myself, but probably all those that had ever bothered to listen. God bless them!

Interestingly,  once the suffering was seen and acknowledged the question like mist evaporated and morphed into – What next? This played itself out for a week or two until I realised it wasn’t sitting comfortably in my body. When I felt into it there was a pulling sensation that was drawing my attention out of the body always leading to an idea of an object or a future timeframe. Again, once seen and acknowledged the question dissolved and morphed into – What now?

Simultaneously the suffering evaporated, relief was felt in the body, and an allowing space of inner contentment and joy quietly made itself known. A few weeks have now passed. The question is still held lightly as I go about my day. There is little planning it seems, with a freedom to respond to whatever the day asks. Little or no disturbance when unexpected twists and turns take form, while the mind’s expectations effortlessly fall away.

I’ve had a few opportunities come towards me which the mind loves to make into a story: This must be the answer to my question, and subsequently very nearly entered into some new endeavours; only to hear myself say: No thank you, and decline the invitation at the last moment.

So here I sit… watching and gently inquiring – What now?, waiting and quietly responding in the moment, and occasionally picking up the paint brush to play. 🙂



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