the purge

the purge - melinda blair paterson - 2015

It would appear the body needed a 24 hour purge. (I’ll spare you the details.) And yet, right there, right in the middle of it was the experience: if I follow thought, the pain and discomfort increases, and if I relax and rest back from thought, it eases. And so it went, back and forth like ping pong, watching the cramps increase and then fall away. Fascinating!

Shifting in and out of sleep. Crow medicine was clearly heard at one stage, screeching through the body, sweeping out the darker corners of resistance. Resting into the sound and giving thanks. Later a storm is passing. Lightening lights up the bed, whilst thunderous rain bashes its way past like an impatient shopper on route to that much wanted bargain. Sleep, sleep, the body just wanted sleep.

In the early hours of the morning a peace descended, both within and without. The body felt weak but strong. The being felt clear and grateful. The crows continue their healing cries: wake up, get up, live!

Mx

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the invitation

the invitation by Melinda Blair Paterson

A morning to stop, stay in bed, and catch up on some emails and reading. You know, the ones you  left ‘unread’ in your inbox or ‘bookmarked’ in your browser to come back to, hoping you will!

I have recently discovered the written works of Dorothy Hunt, meditation and spiritual teacher from  Moon Mountain Sangha in California. I felt deeply touched by her expression so I emailed her to ask if she had a newsletter or blog I could follow. She graciously replied pointing to her website where I discovered her poetry. The following was the first I read this morning from a series of beautiful poems available on her site – dorothyhunt.org.

The Invitation

When God comes in your house
it is only by your invitation,
but even your invitation is God’s,
for she has always been
landlady and tenant,
windows and walls,
the fire in your hearth
and the cold wind blowing at your door.

At first, her visits seem so welcome.
She brings tea and cookies and loves you
so sweetly inside your own heart.
You keep inviting her back
by your prayers and meditations,
imagining you’ve found the one you always wanted
who will hold you on her endless lap
and take away your pain forever.

But pretty soon, she starts arriving
unexpectedly, at odd hours of the day and night,
and every time she comes,
she takes something away–

continued here…

Reading this poem today reminded me of a moment last Sunday; standing in the middle of the kitchen, where Knowing announced: You are no longer responsible for your partner’s sexual needs. What?… and as I looked within for the hook, pattern, belief,  thought, or conditioned response on such a delicate intimate relationship matter; it could no longer be found. It was gone!

But pretty soon, she starts arriving
unexpectedly, at odd hours of the day and night,
and every time she comes,
she takes something away–

I wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the matter with my partner, however as usual, I just wait and, if necessary, the moment arrives.

It was only in the expressing to him: I realise I am no longer responsible for your sexual needs, did I reflect and understand how much of my life as a woman had been run on a conditioned belief, opposite, to what was now here in Truth.

The relief, spaciousness and freedom is palpable.  Mx

 

the aliveness of life

tree snake with melinda - image by MelindaBlairPaterson (Instagram)
tree snake hanging with Melinda – image by MelindaBlairPaterson (Instagram)

Coming home and seeing a snake hanging around… literally, is a great way to experience being ALIVE! Everything switches on doesn’t it?  The mind, body, and awareness all collide and collapse into the moment of now.

I’d been away for a few days and my friend (a curious and harmless tree snake) had moved into my patch whist I’d been travelling. Here in Australia we have a number of poisonous and deadly snakes, so from a young age we are educated to approach all snakes with caution. In fact we are taught not to approach them at all, but rather back away slowly and let the creature have ‘right-of-way’. So when I found this fellow between myself and the front door my assessing of the situation came at lightening speed; i.e.  probably, hopefully, prayerfully, it was ok for me to quickly pass and get inside. (Note… I did place my bag between my body and the snake just in case I was wrong in my educated guess of it being a tree snake.)

Once inside I realised my heart was pounding and the adrenalin had amped up to such a level I just had to jump around and shake myself a bit to settle somewhat, and I couldn’t stop laughing and squealing, it really was the most delightful experience. I decided to poke my nose out the door and see if the snake was still around. Sure enough, still hanging there on the wire. So suddenly I went from flight to fight…. well curiosity actually, and stepped out with my iPhone to take a photo. I mean it was so beautifully curled around the wire and such a glorious shade of green. I quietly stepped closer and closer. The snake lifted its head towards me, seemingly equally curious to know who I was. We had our moment… gazing at each other, the shot was taken, and then the snake effortless unwound itself and headed up onto the roof.

OMG… how alive is that!

In recent weeks I’ve found a letting go or lack of interest in speaking about or listening to non-duality teachings. What use to be a huge source of ‘hunger’ for many years has quietly and unsuspectingly been replaced with a sense of ‘enough’. There’s no residue in the change. No lingering thought or sensation wishing it was different, or missing how it use to be, but rather like the snake, something else has moved in when the ‘me’ had gone away for a few days.

What appears to be here now is a keen interest in the Alive-ness of life. It feels extraordinarily simple. There is no longer any need of books to read, teacher to listen to, or spiritual conversation to be had… but rather just being with whatever shows up in the day in a kind of fascination. Awareness and Aliveness appear to be one and the same. Mx

done

Image by Melinda Blair Paterson
verandah morning contemplation – image by MelindaBlairPaterson (Instagram)

 

Do you ever have those moments in life when you feel ‘done’? I don’t mean from an exhausted place but rather an awareness of whatever has been happening in your life, however you’ve been playing the game… it’s over. You just can’t do it any longer. You can feel the turning of the tide and a quiet knowing appears that informs you… life with this person, place or event won’t look or interact the same from now on.

I’ve experienced this recently with some friends. Friends that I’ve had a long and close relationship with for years, and then one day I hang up the phone, or walk away from the connection and it’s there…. that feeling… the knowing. I call it ‘done’.

Interestingly it doesn’t always mean the relationship is ended.

Yes in the past I would say that would be true, but now it appears as a different expression. I notice that there may be a gap, a period of time, some space is created between the ‘done’ and next moment of meeting. For all intents and purposes it may look much like the past, yet I am acutely aware it feels different. The energy, patterns of interaction, and conversation is spacious, the triggers of past are gone… vamoose… as if they never existed, and there is little if any feeling of separation. Instead a love is present. A rested interest in the other and no need for anything here.

I have absolutely no idea how the ‘done’ moment is crafted and created. I don’t feel I have any say. I’m just aware when it arrives and I’ve learnt to stay curious and open to what may appear next.  Mx

dreaming doodles

as seen in dreaming - 15Mar15 - pen and pencil - melinda blair paterson
as seen in dreaming – 15Mar15 – pen and pencil – melinda blair paterson

I’m awake in dreaming,

in the joy of creating doodles.

An infinity symbol appears.

Why am I dreaming about doodling?

Oh that shape, that colour.  How will I draw that?

What a curious experience?

I’m awake, I’m dreaming, and creating.

All in the same moment.

Mx

transfer

This blog originated on the Blogger platform in July 2012. The intention was, and still is, to share my thoughts and experiences of waking up (if I can be so bold to assume that’s happening) and interact with people experiencing the same.

transfer - Melinda Blair Paterson

Nearly two years later with no followers, (sorry I lie, there is one and I am deeply grateful to him) I find myself prompted by a friend to start the Blogging 101 online course with WordPress. Don’t get me wrong, and this is going to sound silly, but I really didn’t mind my blog being somewhat invisible. It gave me a sense of freedom to just write when I felt prompted and for my own pleasure. Now I’m feeling a bit braver and have a yearning to connect with people who are interested in non duality, awareness, awakening and truth.

When I was transferring this blog over this week I had to go back through each post and put in the Tags (it’s part of the back-end of WordPress blogging). This meant I also had to read every old post and find the key words and phrases. This exercise opened my eyes to where my perspective was nearly two years ago, and is now. I can see these writings/postings have become a kind of journal, a record, of my questioning and experiencing whilst walking the ‘waking up in Byron’ journey. I felt a quiet warmth in my heart about that, and I wish to acknowledge some of the people that have made this journey to date so rich, including: my dear friend Kathy, non duality teachers Rupert Spira and Adyashanti, Miriam Louisa Simons and her amazing blogs – the awakened eye, this unlit light, wondering mind studio and echoes from emptiness, and dearest to my heart, my partner – Alistair McKinnon.

I hope if you find your way here that you will join me and share your perspectives and experiencing also. I’d love that. 🙂

Cheers Mx

melinda blair paterson

Kathy

image: ‘Kathy’ by melinda blair paterson

Hi All… It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I seem to have been in a space of ‘not sure what to say!‘ I’ve wanted to talk about my friend, Kathy, but am not sure where to start or what to say or not say. I certainly do not wish to offend Kathy, or say anything that is inappropriate, afterall she is a very dear friend and quite a private person. You may have read in prior posts my referring to ‘my awake friend’. Well it seems time to come clean, cause talking about or writing the words ‘my awake friend’ just feels like a bit of a wank really.

Kathy is someone that came into my life a few years ago. We regularly bumped into each other at spritual gatherings and on the streets of Byron Bay when she was visiting. We would go and have a cuppa together and I would listen as she began telling me about consciousness… or awareness… or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t even know the term ‘non duality’ back then.  I really tried to understand what she was talking about, but I was very much into the Law of Attraction teachings at the time and living the dream! Needless to say, I was totally into controlling the mind and not really able to grasp what on earth she was talking about as it was definitely not from the mind!

I would go away feeling exhausted, ‘brain fry’, as I call it, and yet always came back for more. These spontaneous meetings happened on and off over a couple of years until Kathy and her partner came to live in Byron Bay…. that’s when things really started to hot up for me regarding ‘non duality’. It was like I had been wandering in the desert of new ageism and spirituality for years, only to finally find a river from which I could drink, and drink I did. I couldn’t get enough at first. I just wanted to hang out with Kathy every opportunity I could, ask questions… and I had lots of questions;  gain glimpses (or so it seemed), and  slowly, ever so slowly, begin to notice changes within myself.

It’s been twelve months now and I’ve loved being around Kathy… and I’ve hated it. I’ve seen myself drink from the river until I could take no more only to scream within ‘No, I don’t want to hear another word!’ Kathy knows this of course. She senses my resistence every time, and every time it is excruciating… the resistence I mean… and then it passes.

After awhile new friends met Kathy and my one-on-ones became groups of people all hungry for the same. All hungry to know the truth and wake up. So I learnt to let go of my personal time with Kathy and watched as others drank in the energy, ask the questions and made the quiet shifts within.

I had the priviledge of spending a day with Kathy last week. I offered to help her move house. It was like our early days together.  Pretty much from the moment I walked in the door it was on… we were talking awareness… well let me clarify… Kathy was talking from awareness… I was listening and asking my usual mindy questions… but it was a great day. We’d move a few boxes, take a load to the next house, sit down for a cuppa, talk for an hour or so and then do another load, then it was time to eat… more talk, then another load etc. The day just effortless passed and the moving somehow happened within it. We even had time to explore the property, check out the new gardens, vegie patch and local creek. It was amazing. I felt so alive the whole time… and in so much love. You see that’s Kathy… the presence of Love.

My perception and experience of Kathy is she is a very ordinary person. She has no need to teach and yet when we get together I am so grateful that she spontaneously lets it flow from her like a river. It’s effortless. Of course, after spending the day with Kathy I came home… and Yep… you guested it… ‘brain fry’ big time.  It sometimes feels like I’ve been run over by a Mac truck… and there is not a lot to say… in fact I find there is nothing to say… and that’s great.

So where a couple of weeks ago I was screaming ‘No, I don’t want to hear anymore’… in this moment…my heart is open, I feel rested and relaxed, and watching… yes lots of watching… and welcoming it all… and just being. There seems to be an increase of compassion for others, a willingness to feel my aloneness, and a deeper sense of trust in life. I’m very grateful Kathy is in my life. I’m very grateful that the ‘thing’ that is undoing me continues to draw me to Kathy and the presence of Love in her, and others like her. As Kathy would say… it’s just Love drawn towards Love. I suppose that means the Love in me also. M x