nothing different

  

Walking across the grass

the moment of knowing arrives

as natural as taking the step.

There is no difference

between being solo or with other,

it’s all the same.

And the delight this knowing brings

follows effortlessly as silent joy

smiling within.

Mx

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done

Image by Melinda Blair Paterson
verandah morning contemplation – image by MelindaBlairPaterson (Instagram)

 

Do you ever have those moments in life when you feel ‘done’? I don’t mean from an exhausted place but rather an awareness of whatever has been happening in your life, however you’ve been playing the game… it’s over. You just can’t do it any longer. You can feel the turning of the tide and a quiet knowing appears that informs you… life with this person, place or event won’t look or interact the same from now on.

I’ve experienced this recently with some friends. Friends that I’ve had a long and close relationship with for years, and then one day I hang up the phone, or walk away from the connection and it’s there…. that feeling… the knowing. I call it ‘done’.

Interestingly it doesn’t always mean the relationship is ended.

Yes in the past I would say that would be true, but now it appears as a different expression. I notice that there may be a gap, a period of time, some space is created between the ‘done’ and next moment of meeting. For all intents and purposes it may look much like the past, yet I am acutely aware it feels different. The energy, patterns of interaction, and conversation is spacious, the triggers of past are gone… vamoose… as if they never existed, and there is little if any feeling of separation. Instead a love is present. A rested interest in the other and no need for anything here.

I have absolutely no idea how the ‘done’ moment is crafted and created. I don’t feel I have any say. I’m just aware when it arrives and I’ve learnt to stay curious and open to what may appear next.  Mx

aperture opening

. . . there is no desire to go anywhere else.
You could say it has my complete attention.

2015/01/img_1567.jpgimage by melinda blair paterson

I’m not sure when or how it started to happen, if it can even be said there was a ‘starting’. Certainly there have been moments over the years I have called ‘glimpses’. Perhaps it was sometime towards the end of last year? Anyway, I’ve become aware the glimpses are now different, lasting longer and certainly more impacting. I’m now calling this experiencing ‘aperture opening’.

I’m also aware that even though the aperture has opened, and after a time seemed to close, it never goes back to what it has been before. By that I mean, the knowing of awareness, the truth of who I am, and the reality of life has subtly and irreversibly changed.

For example, I was laying on my couch a few weeks ago talking to my partner one evening on the mobile when the aperture opened. I first noticed it in my experience of seeing. I became aware that my foot was not ‘my’ foot, but rather the same as the cushion on which it rested, and then equally the couch. What do I mean by this? Well it’s a bit hard to explain, other than the sense or awareness of the experience was one of no separation between the ‘me-Melinda’, and her environment. Another way of saying this is. . . there was no ‘me’, just a series of shapes, colours, and senses. I was still able to have a conversation with my partner, in fact, I was relaying to him what was being experienced, and it was very clear that I had done absolutely nothing to create the experience. It just happened. There was also what can best be described as a sort of ‘download’ of knowing. I knew the answer to everything that was needed to know in that moment. Complete clarity was present. The experience lasted for up to an hour during the call and then I felt it was time to go to bed and rest.

Another time I was departing from my home in the car, which involves driving up a step hill to the main road. As I alighted the hill my vision was filled with the blue of the sky and the most magnificent huge white cumulonimbus storm cloud hanging within it. For what must have been a few seconds the ‘me-Melinda’ disappeared and awareness became the cloud. When attention came back to the driving of the car I knew the aperture had opened, and the drive from my home to my friend through the countryside was filled with exquisite delight in the seeing.

It’s also important to note that the aperture opening hasn’t only been in moments of rest or wonder. I was in town recently and my car was parked in by a truck. My partner wanted me to try and reverse the car out in a way that I felt was unsafe. He offered his help a few times. I said “No” in a rather strong way and felt the trigger. . . anger and resistance arose!

We waited, and waited for the truck driver. During the waiting I was immediately aware of the trigger and the pain in my heart. I took all of my attention into it, and there, right in the middle or at the depth of the pain, was LOVE. And I knew then that the aperture was open even in the midst of what seemed like a closed heart in emotional pain.

About an hour after this event I was sitting at home reflecting on the experience and was shown in some sort of visual replay that every person, object, moment and breath was connected;  and it had all been perfectly executed. There was no mistake by the truck driver, my partner, myself or anyone/anything else that had played a part. . . it was beyond perfection.

Of course there are other moments too, each one revealing a little more, like a series of veils slowly being peeled away to expose the truth of reality. And in these moments, I feel like a child that has been let into the biggest best toy store ever, and more. Everything looks and feels is so amazing, interesting, fascinating, colourful, beautiful. . . and full of LOVE. And there is no desire to go anywhere else. You could say it has my complete attention.

Mx

The background and Margaret Olley

image courtesy of Tweed River Gallery, Murwillumbah


 

I recently visited the Tweed River Gallery in Murwillumbah for an art day with some friends. This is now home to an amazing recreation of Margaret Olley’s home and lifetime of art. Every surface in the home was/is covered, much of which are little still life’s as seen today in her paintings. I have to confess, I have never been a huge fan of Margaret Olley’s work. Perhaps it is because I have always felt so drawn to abstract artists. Thankfully there are plenty of those to explore and ponder as one moves around an art gallery these days. However, on this day I was coming to the end of my meander through Margaret’s home and I heard two gentlemen discussing and admiring one of her paintings. They were standing back quite a distance and I heard the words… “just look at the background, that use of colour blue.” I turned, and true to these words, the blue background of the still life they were admiring just jumped out at me as though it had come to life. The colour was so intense it almost seemed to be vibrating. I stood there transfixed in a moment of art viewing wonder. My eye wandered to another painting featuring a background in greens that also seemed to be shimmering in the late afternoon light of the gallery. I felt my heart open to something connected to and coming from the viewing of the background of these simple and yet elegant still life paintings of flower arrangements. A few steps futher along and I stopped to watch a short video featuring guest speakers in Margaret’s home and the memories they had of her in that environment. It was towards the end of the video that I was again struck by words… “Margaret use to say to me, ‘this is all an illusion, just moments’.”  Again, I felt my heart open and something click. Margaret Olley was awake and aware to the truth of this reality, and she had come to this understand through art. In that moment I felt a new found respect and love of this woman and what she has left as a ‘pointer’ for the viewer in her paintings. It’s all in the background. Mx

Drop to your knees

Image of woman kneeling  (source unknown)

Yesterday was weird… I felt weird all day… and couldn’t seem to resolve why? I ended up at a friend’s house watching a DVD on relationships… or rather how a woman can attract a man. Even this was weird because I no longer feel drawn to this type of information… but as I was in a weird space I found myself saying ‘OK, let’s watch it!’ It wasn’t very long and I was wishing I had never said ‘OK’… which then led to a lot of judgement about the presenter and the information she was conveying, until finally I was rolling around laughing. She was demonstrating a process and saying:  ‘as women we need to feel our emotions and not deny them… so much so that when the feelings come, drop to your knees and let yourself feel them… letting yourself do this action wherever you are!’ I started having Monty Python visions of women in all sorts of life scenarios falling to their knees and decided it was time for me to excuse myself and let the day’s weirdness pass with the night’s sleep.

Well today wasn’t much different. Another weird day feeling out of sorts and not sure why. Being Sunday, I decided to give myself a break and just relax. I finished reading the book ‘Three cups of tea’ by Greg Mortenson who built over 100 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan in the last decade to educate children, especially girls. I found myself crying. I was aware of myself reading this book with tears running down my cheeks and wondering why?  It felt quite surreal. Then tonight I was watching a documentary on television about the migration of birds and again found myself crying, but this time I remembered last night’s DVD and I did it…. I dropped to my knees. I let myself sob for no apparent reason. It didn’t last long and I have no idea what triggered it. A series of images and thoughts from my past flashed through my awareness and the emotion seemed centred around a deep sense of loss and regret… none of which was hung onto… and then as quickly as it occured it was gone. I rose to my feet, found a tissue to dry my eyes and started doing the evenings dishes. Done… no story.

I was watching a great interview with Rupert Spira on You Tube this week. He spoke of awareness as  the nature of experience and was pointing the interviewer towards this by asking him to hold a cup and just gently inquire or feel into what is the experience. It was such a simple message and a powerful pointer.

I am continually, every so gently and humbly reminded that ‘I’ am not doing the doing or having the experience, but rather being done… and being experience.

Mx

Kathy

image: ‘Kathy’ by melinda blair paterson

Hi All… It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I seem to have been in a space of ‘not sure what to say!‘ I’ve wanted to talk about my friend, Kathy, but am not sure where to start or what to say or not say. I certainly do not wish to offend Kathy, or say anything that is inappropriate, afterall she is a very dear friend and quite a private person. You may have read in prior posts my referring to ‘my awake friend’. Well it seems time to come clean, cause talking about or writing the words ‘my awake friend’ just feels like a bit of a wank really.

Kathy is someone that came into my life a few years ago. We regularly bumped into each other at spritual gatherings and on the streets of Byron Bay when she was visiting. We would go and have a cuppa together and I would listen as she began telling me about consciousness… or awareness… or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t even know the term ‘non duality’ back then.  I really tried to understand what she was talking about, but I was very much into the Law of Attraction teachings at the time and living the dream! Needless to say, I was totally into controlling the mind and not really able to grasp what on earth she was talking about as it was definitely not from the mind!

I would go away feeling exhausted, ‘brain fry’, as I call it, and yet always came back for more. These spontaneous meetings happened on and off over a couple of years until Kathy and her partner came to live in Byron Bay…. that’s when things really started to hot up for me regarding ‘non duality’. It was like I had been wandering in the desert of new ageism and spirituality for years, only to finally find a river from which I could drink, and drink I did. I couldn’t get enough at first. I just wanted to hang out with Kathy every opportunity I could, ask questions… and I had lots of questions;  gain glimpses (or so it seemed), and  slowly, ever so slowly, begin to notice changes within myself.

It’s been twelve months now and I’ve loved being around Kathy… and I’ve hated it. I’ve seen myself drink from the river until I could take no more only to scream within ‘No, I don’t want to hear another word!’ Kathy knows this of course. She senses my resistence every time, and every time it is excruciating… the resistence I mean… and then it passes.

After awhile new friends met Kathy and my one-on-ones became groups of people all hungry for the same. All hungry to know the truth and wake up. So I learnt to let go of my personal time with Kathy and watched as others drank in the energy, ask the questions and made the quiet shifts within.

I had the priviledge of spending a day with Kathy last week. I offered to help her move house. It was like our early days together.  Pretty much from the moment I walked in the door it was on… we were talking awareness… well let me clarify… Kathy was talking from awareness… I was listening and asking my usual mindy questions… but it was a great day. We’d move a few boxes, take a load to the next house, sit down for a cuppa, talk for an hour or so and then do another load, then it was time to eat… more talk, then another load etc. The day just effortless passed and the moving somehow happened within it. We even had time to explore the property, check out the new gardens, vegie patch and local creek. It was amazing. I felt so alive the whole time… and in so much love. You see that’s Kathy… the presence of Love.

My perception and experience of Kathy is she is a very ordinary person. She has no need to teach and yet when we get together I am so grateful that she spontaneously lets it flow from her like a river. It’s effortless. Of course, after spending the day with Kathy I came home… and Yep… you guested it… ‘brain fry’ big time.  It sometimes feels like I’ve been run over by a Mac truck… and there is not a lot to say… in fact I find there is nothing to say… and that’s great.

So where a couple of weeks ago I was screaming ‘No, I don’t want to hear anymore’… in this moment…my heart is open, I feel rested and relaxed, and watching… yes lots of watching… and welcoming it all… and just being. There seems to be an increase of compassion for others, a willingness to feel my aloneness, and a deeper sense of trust in life. I’m very grateful Kathy is in my life. I’m very grateful that the ‘thing’ that is undoing me continues to draw me to Kathy and the presence of Love in her, and others like her. As Kathy would say… it’s just Love drawn towards Love. I suppose that means the Love in me also. M x