. . . there is no desire to go anywhere else.
You could say it has my complete attention.
image by melinda blair paterson
I’m not sure when or how it started to happen, if it can even be said there was a ‘starting’. Certainly there have been moments over the years I have called ‘glimpses’. Perhaps it was sometime towards the end of last year? Anyway, I’ve become aware the glimpses are now different, lasting longer and certainly more impacting. I’m now calling this experiencing ‘aperture opening’.
I’m also aware that even though the aperture has opened, and after a time seemed to close, it never goes back to what it has been before. By that I mean, the knowing of awareness, the truth of who I am, and the reality of life has subtly and irreversibly changed.
For example, I was laying on my couch a few weeks ago talking to my partner one evening on the mobile when the aperture opened. I first noticed it in my experience of seeing. I became aware that my foot was not ‘my’ foot, but rather the same as the cushion on which it rested, and then equally the couch. What do I mean by this? Well it’s a bit hard to explain, other than the sense or awareness of the experience was one of no separation between the ‘me-Melinda’, and her environment. Another way of saying this is. . . there was no ‘me’, just a series of shapes, colours, and senses. I was still able to have a conversation with my partner, in fact, I was relaying to him what was being experienced, and it was very clear that I had done absolutely nothing to create the experience. It just happened. There was also what can best be described as a sort of ‘download’ of knowing. I knew the answer to everything that was needed to know in that moment. Complete clarity was present. The experience lasted for up to an hour during the call and then I felt it was time to go to bed and rest.
Another time I was departing from my home in the car, which involves driving up a step hill to the main road. As I alighted the hill my vision was filled with the blue of the sky and the most magnificent huge white cumulonimbus storm cloud hanging within it. For what must have been a few seconds the ‘me-Melinda’ disappeared and awareness became the cloud. When attention came back to the driving of the car I knew the aperture had opened, and the drive from my home to my friend through the countryside was filled with exquisite delight in the seeing.
It’s also important to note that the aperture opening hasn’t only been in moments of rest or wonder. I was in town recently and my car was parked in by a truck. My partner wanted me to try and reverse the car out in a way that I felt was unsafe. He offered his help a few times. I said “No” in a rather strong way and felt the trigger. . . anger and resistance arose!
We waited, and waited for the truck driver. During the waiting I was immediately aware of the trigger and the pain in my heart. I took all of my attention into it, and there, right in the middle or at the depth of the pain, was LOVE. And I knew then that the aperture was open even in the midst of what seemed like a closed heart in emotional pain.
About an hour after this event I was sitting at home reflecting on the experience and was shown in some sort of visual replay that every person, object, moment and breath was connected; and it had all been perfectly executed. There was no mistake by the truck driver, my partner, myself or anyone/anything else that had played a part. . . it was beyond perfection.
Of course there are other moments too, each one revealing a little more, like a series of veils slowly being peeled away to expose the truth of reality. And in these moments, I feel like a child that has been let into the biggest best toy store ever, and more. Everything looks and feels is so amazing, interesting, fascinating, colourful, beautiful. . . and full of LOVE. And there is no desire to go anywhere else. You could say it has my complete attention.