It would appear the body needed a 24 hour purge. (I’ll spare you the details.) And yet, right there, right in the middle of it was the experience: if I follow thought, the pain and discomfort increases, and if I relax and rest back from thought, it eases. And so it went, back and forth like ping pong, watching the cramps increase and then fall away. Fascinating!
Shifting in and out of sleep. Crow medicine was clearly heard at one stage, screeching through the body, sweeping out the darker corners of resistance. Resting into the sound and giving thanks. Later a storm is passing. Lightening lights up the bed, whilst thunderous rain bashes its way past like an impatient shopper on route to that much wanted bargain. Sleep, sleep, the body just wanted sleep.
In the early hours of the morning a peace descended, both within and without. The body felt weak but strong. The being felt clear and grateful. The crows continue their healing cries: wake up, get up, live!
It’s a curious thing ‘purpose’? Apparently it is only in recent times the concept of purpose, life’s purpose, meaningful work, bringing our gift to the world (need I go on) etc, has been introduced to our modern culture; and subsequently sold a lot of books, tapes (yes I remember those), cds, dvds, workshops and private consultations to us all. I found out this week in a clever and entertaining video called ‘How to find fulfilling work’, that before the industrial revolution there were approximately 2,000 trades available, now there is some half a million to choose from. This alone must create a sense of anxiety and stress for people today.
I remember when I went to see the ‘career counsellor’ in my final year of high school. She asked what I wanted to do after leaving school, to which I confidently announced: Travel, Fashion or Advertising. She laughed and said condescendingly, ‘good luck’. If my memory serves me right she offered: Nursing or Secretarial, neither of which were exciting or glamorous to my young mind and heart at the time. Her lack of encouragement only served to fuel my ambition. It took another seven years to experience all three industries, before realising none were ‘glamorous’. The pull of the spiritual path had begun. Ironically, I did end up completing secretarial and computer studies to become a top flight PA for over ten years, evolving into a project manager before leaving the corporate world, burnt out and disillusioned. The call of the spiritual path was well and truly ringing loud in my ears by now.
Ah yes… the spiritual path… ‘really’ living the experience of seeking, especially seeking one’s purpose in life, which took the expression here of vibrational healer, light worker, and spiritual artist before collapsing into nothing. My new career path became – Nothing. It’s been about five years now. I’ve watched as ideas of doing have come and gone, dabbling here and there dissolve, and even pushing into new working frontiers wobble and collapse.
In recent days I’ve felt and heard myself say to friends: I’m ready to start working again. I’m noticing a sense of expansion and strength in my body. I’ve taken up swimming, socialising more, and am back at the desk drawing or writing most days. I have absolutely no idea what the ‘work’ will be? Maybe it’s just another arising of an idea or feeling that will fade and disappear like so many others have in the past? Or maybe something will form long enough for expression into the world to occur? What I am aware of is there can’t be any sense of ‘push’ anymore. It’s like that is an ancient, out of date, way of being. And so I wait, I swim, and I doodle.
Some days I feel like that character of ‘Dory’ in the movie Nemo, as I hear her say… “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” It makes me smile and gives an answer to the mind that is always wanting to know what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life? And yes there are days when I envy loved ones that appear to be ‘on purpose’ working at their dreams. Yet when I remember to relax, rest back, gaze into nature, and allow the moment to be as it is, there is a deep sense of peace and spaciousness. All is well, waiting in nothing. Mx
Sunday: There is a deep peace here today and I have no idea here it came from or how it arrived? Don’t get me wrong, it is most welcome to stay home as long as it likes. The body feels as though it has little interest in movement and yet I watch as movement occurs. The moment feels strangely still, and yet I have no idea how this is happening. I move to sip a cup of tea, or rather I have the thought to sip a cup of tea, and then wait, movement finally comes and the tea is sipped. It’s a beautiful cup of tea, the smell, the taste, the texture in my mouth. Then the next moment is an offering of resting, and then the next, and then the next. There is a deep peace here today and I have no idea where it came from or how it arrived? I guess I’ll just stay home and hang out with it. 🙂 Mx
Laying on my yoga mat, deep in contemplation, the words appeared…
from the vacumous traces of life, something else emerges
There is a journey of pointing that begins to occur for me from the moment I accept a painting commission. There is a knowing or a resonance that arises within my awareness with each pointing.
My attention is drawn to words that are heard within and without, images or scenes that appear in daily life, and particular colours that flash into vision. Together with inner visions, these pointings all begin to lay the foundations of contemplation for the painting. It was one of these moments that I heard the pointing… from the vacumous traces of life, something else emerges.
The weeks that led up to committing paint to canvas were somewhat fraught with doubts and fears about how to begin, along with a mix up from the canvas supplier. I also remember the client saying she was going into retreat and I felt then that nothing would probably come until after this time.
So it was with some amusement when I had tried in vain to start the painting in early January only to cover most of this with my hands rubbing layers of pale yellow, green, grey and white onto a cream background. Feeling somewhat frustrated I flew off to Melbourne for my birthday deciding I would revisit it on my return.
On the afternoon of the 28th January I entered the studio again to be greeted by a canvas that was still in it’s bare bones and I stood there wondering where to begin?
The phone range. It was the client. I picked up laughing, she returned my laughter saying… ‘You rang?’ I plonked myself down at the studio doorway and we chatted for what seemed like hours until I felt the deep peace come over me. When I finished the call, I stood up, turned and picked up the brush and commenced. I painted for four hours straight, never feeling a doubt or concern, but moving with quiet confidence and knowing action. Over the next days the painting just kept evolving effortlessly and each layer and stage was clearly apparent in the moment it was needed.
The painting became the living demonstration of it’s title…. Mx
It’s been a week or so since my last post…Ummm. What can I say? I forgot (which is true), I didn’t think anyone would even find this blog (which apparent is not true), and even if they did find it they would probably hit the ‘get me out of here’ delete button or back arrow faster than you can poke a stick at it! (as my mother would say). Also, apparently NOT true!.
Why?… because tonight I sat down and turned off the telly (cause I just can’t stand it anymore), and watched that ‘thing’ inside me pick up the laptop, connect to the internet and open this blog. OMG… someone left a comment! Shit… what do I do?
STOP… Breathe… Laugh. (thought arises “maybe I had better check my email address for this blog”). OMG… people have been writing me emails for the past week and I had no idea! Instant mixture of joy, overwhelm and shock. So thank you, thank you , thank you to all that have taken the time to make a comment, email me and share yourselves… or whatever it is that we are not! I am deeply touched.
In the last post I was wishing I was a mermaid. Well that has continued as I venture into the cold currents along our Byron Bay shoreline at this time of year, however, there has been a lightness feature in my being this week and I’m not really sure why. I was certainly having a torturous time last week to the point where, yet again, I was in the fetal position on my bed feeling the absolute ‘pointlessness’ of every thought, idea or belief the mind could muster and ‘so called’ throw at me. It’s in these moments (and thankfully they are few and far between) I have enough inner wisdom and learning to know to just relax, breathe, embrace, surrender and it does pass. Moments later I am up, doing dishes, getting breakfast and heading out the door for my morning walk and ocean dip. It’s a weird life I live that’s for sure… and certainly not for the faint hearted. I mean, you have to be some kinda Weird Warrior to ride the wave of thoughts and subsequent emotions that occur on this journey of awakening… which is going nowhere. I mean… how many people in their right mind would sign up for a journey going nowhere? And yet here I am, and if you are reading this, here you are too!
So a couple of days later… having emerged from the fetal position and catching my breath till the next dip into awareness oblivion, a friend of mine suggests I listen to the Balanced View teachings. Have you heard of them? I have actually found them quiet helpful. The founder, Candice, is American, lives in Northern California and they have centres in India and Sweden. They offer a training program called Balanced View and have all sorts of material you can download for free on their website. Anyway… my friend gave me a whole bunch of downloads and I started to listen. What did I hear Candice say? Rest! Just Rest!
At first I was like… what does she mean ‘just rest’? Does she mean lay down, take a nap, take a deep breath? Then somewhere, sometime in the listening, I got it… I just felt the internal world shift… and I relaxed. Ahhhhhh. I have no idea if this is just a momentary thing… or perhaps a day or two… or more. I’ll keep you posted. What I have noticed is an inner calm and an openness. It’s seems too simple. Hmmmm… let’s see? Mx
ps A big thanks to Jerry Katz of nonduality.com for kindly featuring my blog in his recent newsletter. It seems that’s how most of you guys found me. X