about today

Melinda Blair Paterson

There’s nothing unusual about today,
yes I have a head cold
and the farmer’s market
like any other Friday.

There’s nothing unusual in this day,
watched a movie
and texts of care from friends
like every other day.

So why am I suddenly on my knees,
howling like a child
hands beating chest
begging to be broken?

Why are the tears followed by rage,
primal sounds
flashes of faces
crying to be taken?

“Pleeeeease”
passes through
yet there is no need
anymore.

The tears desist
the nose blows
the body rises
from the floor.

You see… there’s nothing unusual about today.

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aperture opening

. . . there is no desire to go anywhere else.
You could say it has my complete attention.

2015/01/img_1567.jpgimage by melinda blair paterson

I’m not sure when or how it started to happen, if it can even be said there was a ‘starting’. Certainly there have been moments over the years I have called ‘glimpses’. Perhaps it was sometime towards the end of last year? Anyway, I’ve become aware the glimpses are now different, lasting longer and certainly more impacting. I’m now calling this experiencing ‘aperture opening’.

I’m also aware that even though the aperture has opened, and after a time seemed to close, it never goes back to what it has been before. By that I mean, the knowing of awareness, the truth of who I am, and the reality of life has subtly and irreversibly changed.

For example, I was laying on my couch a few weeks ago talking to my partner one evening on the mobile when the aperture opened. I first noticed it in my experience of seeing. I became aware that my foot was not ‘my’ foot, but rather the same as the cushion on which it rested, and then equally the couch. What do I mean by this? Well it’s a bit hard to explain, other than the sense or awareness of the experience was one of no separation between the ‘me-Melinda’, and her environment. Another way of saying this is. . . there was no ‘me’, just a series of shapes, colours, and senses. I was still able to have a conversation with my partner, in fact, I was relaying to him what was being experienced, and it was very clear that I had done absolutely nothing to create the experience. It just happened. There was also what can best be described as a sort of ‘download’ of knowing. I knew the answer to everything that was needed to know in that moment. Complete clarity was present. The experience lasted for up to an hour during the call and then I felt it was time to go to bed and rest.

Another time I was departing from my home in the car, which involves driving up a step hill to the main road. As I alighted the hill my vision was filled with the blue of the sky and the most magnificent huge white cumulonimbus storm cloud hanging within it. For what must have been a few seconds the ‘me-Melinda’ disappeared and awareness became the cloud. When attention came back to the driving of the car I knew the aperture had opened, and the drive from my home to my friend through the countryside was filled with exquisite delight in the seeing.

It’s also important to note that the aperture opening hasn’t only been in moments of rest or wonder. I was in town recently and my car was parked in by a truck. My partner wanted me to try and reverse the car out in a way that I felt was unsafe. He offered his help a few times. I said “No” in a rather strong way and felt the trigger. . . anger and resistance arose!

We waited, and waited for the truck driver. During the waiting I was immediately aware of the trigger and the pain in my heart. I took all of my attention into it, and there, right in the middle or at the depth of the pain, was LOVE. And I knew then that the aperture was open even in the midst of what seemed like a closed heart in emotional pain.

About an hour after this event I was sitting at home reflecting on the experience and was shown in some sort of visual replay that every person, object, moment and breath was connected;  and it had all been perfectly executed. There was no mistake by the truck driver, my partner, myself or anyone/anything else that had played a part. . . it was beyond perfection.

Of course there are other moments too, each one revealing a little more, like a series of veils slowly being peeled away to expose the truth of reality. And in these moments, I feel like a child that has been let into the biggest best toy store ever, and more. Everything looks and feels is so amazing, interesting, fascinating, colourful, beautiful. . . and full of LOVE. And there is no desire to go anywhere else. You could say it has my complete attention.

Mx

Kathy

image: ‘Kathy’ by melinda blair paterson

Hi All… It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I seem to have been in a space of ‘not sure what to say!‘ I’ve wanted to talk about my friend, Kathy, but am not sure where to start or what to say or not say. I certainly do not wish to offend Kathy, or say anything that is inappropriate, afterall she is a very dear friend and quite a private person. You may have read in prior posts my referring to ‘my awake friend’. Well it seems time to come clean, cause talking about or writing the words ‘my awake friend’ just feels like a bit of a wank really.

Kathy is someone that came into my life a few years ago. We regularly bumped into each other at spritual gatherings and on the streets of Byron Bay when she was visiting. We would go and have a cuppa together and I would listen as she began telling me about consciousness… or awareness… or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t even know the term ‘non duality’ back then.  I really tried to understand what she was talking about, but I was very much into the Law of Attraction teachings at the time and living the dream! Needless to say, I was totally into controlling the mind and not really able to grasp what on earth she was talking about as it was definitely not from the mind!

I would go away feeling exhausted, ‘brain fry’, as I call it, and yet always came back for more. These spontaneous meetings happened on and off over a couple of years until Kathy and her partner came to live in Byron Bay…. that’s when things really started to hot up for me regarding ‘non duality’. It was like I had been wandering in the desert of new ageism and spirituality for years, only to finally find a river from which I could drink, and drink I did. I couldn’t get enough at first. I just wanted to hang out with Kathy every opportunity I could, ask questions… and I had lots of questions;  gain glimpses (or so it seemed), and  slowly, ever so slowly, begin to notice changes within myself.

It’s been twelve months now and I’ve loved being around Kathy… and I’ve hated it. I’ve seen myself drink from the river until I could take no more only to scream within ‘No, I don’t want to hear another word!’ Kathy knows this of course. She senses my resistence every time, and every time it is excruciating… the resistence I mean… and then it passes.

After awhile new friends met Kathy and my one-on-ones became groups of people all hungry for the same. All hungry to know the truth and wake up. So I learnt to let go of my personal time with Kathy and watched as others drank in the energy, ask the questions and made the quiet shifts within.

I had the priviledge of spending a day with Kathy last week. I offered to help her move house. It was like our early days together.  Pretty much from the moment I walked in the door it was on… we were talking awareness… well let me clarify… Kathy was talking from awareness… I was listening and asking my usual mindy questions… but it was a great day. We’d move a few boxes, take a load to the next house, sit down for a cuppa, talk for an hour or so and then do another load, then it was time to eat… more talk, then another load etc. The day just effortless passed and the moving somehow happened within it. We even had time to explore the property, check out the new gardens, vegie patch and local creek. It was amazing. I felt so alive the whole time… and in so much love. You see that’s Kathy… the presence of Love.

My perception and experience of Kathy is she is a very ordinary person. She has no need to teach and yet when we get together I am so grateful that she spontaneously lets it flow from her like a river. It’s effortless. Of course, after spending the day with Kathy I came home… and Yep… you guested it… ‘brain fry’ big time.  It sometimes feels like I’ve been run over by a Mac truck… and there is not a lot to say… in fact I find there is nothing to say… and that’s great.

So where a couple of weeks ago I was screaming ‘No, I don’t want to hear anymore’… in this moment…my heart is open, I feel rested and relaxed, and watching… yes lots of watching… and welcoming it all… and just being. There seems to be an increase of compassion for others, a willingness to feel my aloneness, and a deeper sense of trust in life. I’m very grateful Kathy is in my life. I’m very grateful that the ‘thing’ that is undoing me continues to draw me to Kathy and the presence of Love in her, and others like her. As Kathy would say… it’s just Love drawn towards Love. I suppose that means the Love in me also. M x